In 1988 as a freshman college student I had the opportunity to attend a screening at the Sundance Film Festival. The film screened was the animated cartoon, The Brave Little Toaster.  The theater was a small venue with a smattering of people in attendance. There were no celebrities, no press, no photographers, and in fact, there was nobody there that seemed to give a damn.  People watched the film, then left.

Twenty years later, to say the Sundance Film Festival has changed is like saying Michael Jackson looks like he’s had a little work done. The look, the feel, the size, are bigger, but can one say better than ever? Today for a film like The Brave Little Toaster to even be considered for Sundance, the toaster would have to be gay and involved in a sexual relationship with an underage baby monitor.  In addition, you’d have to drop the word brave in the title. Brave is the last word in "The Star Spangled Banner", a song that generally instills feelings of patriotism. Patriotism is generally associated with support for the United States Military and therefore, a Hollywood film could not in any way, shape, or form be associated with anything having to do with pride for the United States.

But really, in this day and age of Sundance does anyone really show up for the films?  Sundance has become less of a film festival and more of an ego convention. It’s where celebrities from Hollywood and nobodies from everywhere else flock each year to spend ten days in a constant collision of pomp and circumstance that only serves to remind the celebrities of what important people they really and truly are.

It’s also where the nobodies go to feel like somebody. The cultural significance we give to Sundance seems to warrant everyone who buys a ticket to a premiere to feel they have some type of cultural significance. News flash: bragging you have tickets to a Sundance screening is like bragging you have a supermarket rewards card. Am I supposed to be impressed that you are some type of VIP connoisseur of cinema? Don’t labor under the delusion you are going there to watch movies. You want to watch movies? Then go to Blockbuster. You’re going because it’s soooo cool and anybody who’s anybody is going to be there. Only I know a lot of people that go to Sundance, and guess what? They’re nobodies. So much for anybody who’s anybody.

So with all that being said, I propose a few new guidelines to bring The Sundance Film Festival back to the roots of what it originally intended to be.

Number one: Only celebrities with a film at Sundance are allowed to attend. The other day, a local newspaper featured photos of Tara Reid arriving at Sundance. Now, Tara doesn’t have a film at Sundance. In fact, Tara doesn’t have a film anywhere. Unless you count that online video of her boob popping out on YouTube. At least with the cold weather, her layers of clothing assured us that little faux paux wouldn’t be happening. But why in the hell is Tara Reid at Sundance? My best guess is apparently she got it confused with the AVN Awards.

Number two: No more swag. Celebrities rush in out and out of stores with more arm-fulls of free loot than the L.A. riots. The Sundance Film Festival is a virtual soup kitchen for celebrity hand outs included, but not limited to designer clothes, cell phones, tech gadgets, jewelry, and the like. 

And if celebrities getting gear gratis for themselves isn’t enough, let’s not forget about their pets. Cesar Canine Cuisine Spa, described by the Washington Post as "the official Sundance Film Festival retreat for small dogs and their celebrity owners to get pampered and primped for the Sundance premieres, parties, and entertainment. All invited guests "receive a complimentary Puchi dog-bag to carry their four legged friends and an array of luxury doggie gifts valued at $1,500.”

Earlier this evening I flipped through the channels to come across the show Animal Cops. I saw several malnourished and abused dogs put to sleep. Then it hit me, if there was only a way to get those dogs to Sundance! They’d be provided for there. But hey, we also have children in this country that go to bed hungry every night. Let’s not let those families’ needs get in the way of making sure Paris Hilton’s dog Tinkerbell has an adequate supply of Purina Caviar Chow.

Number Three: Check all cameras at the city limits. The population explosion of Sundance has more to do with star gazers than actual stars. Now, I can appreciate that Brenda from Wisconsin drove 2000 miles to Sundance to stand outside in subzero temperatures to snap a quick pic with Screech from Saved By the Bell to post on her MySpace page, but so the bloody hell what? Again, am I supposed to be impressed? Such a pic says nothing other than a desperate star gazer was able to rush up to some A, B, C, D, or in the case of recently spotted Gary Coleman, E list celebrity and stand still next to them long enough for a photo-op. It’s not like Brenda has video of her in bed with Screech. To which, if she did, would at least let tell us there was some type of an on going personal connection. “Wow, you did Screech!?” is much more awe striking than, “Wow, you ran up to Screech outside a Starbucks at Sundance and he stood next to you for three seconds?” Though from what I understand, a sexual leison with Screech doesn't last much longer. Nor has his career. So change number one would pretty much void his presence at Sundance out. 

But while cameras are still allowed at Sundance, allow me to make a note to those celebrities who act annoyed and or refuse autographs and photographs while attending Sundance. Hey, it’s Sundance! Going to Sundance and not expecting to be asked for an autograph or have your picture taken is like going to Disney World and not expecting to hear “It’s a Small World After All.” Sure, it grates on you and is annoying after the hundredth time, but you choose to go there, you knew what was in store, so don’t be a Val Kilmer... er, I mean a jack ass. Celebrities need to remember it’s those millions of people like Brenda from Wisconsin that plunked down eight fifty for a ticket to their last movie that allows them to be someone that the rest of the world actually wants to have their picture taken with.

Fourth and finally: More people than ever are staying away from movie theaters. The advances in home theater systems make for a much more enjoyable and less expensive experience to watch movies. So why even bother to have screenings of Sundance movies in theaters in at all? How about everybody stay the hell home for ten days in January and the cable and satellite networks can have the Sundance Film Festival Pay Per View Channel. Movie buffs can kick back in their living room picking and choosing from an array of deviant indie films without ever having to put on a parka.

Sure implementing all these things might take a toll on the local Utah economy, but isn’t the toll taken on the soul of humanity a much more significant concern? I know it is for me. It has been ever since that group picture of me and Gary Coleman surfaced on the internet.