Next Monday is Memorial Day; or as I prefer to call it here in Utah: Let’s have a picnic on our dead relative’s graves!

People in Utah, those that are alive anyway, will, in loving tribute of remembrance, break out the hibachi, thrown down some blankets and enjoy hamburgers and fried chicken just six feet above the rotting corpses of their loved ones. I saw a Tongan Family visiting some of their dead relatives last year and they were resourceful enough to use an empty grave for a pig roast.

For those of you that don’t bring your own picnic supplies, my wife’s relatives are resting eternally in a very considerate cemetery that has it’s own concession stand and provides visitors with free hot dogs and drinks. Which is great because I can get my fill of free hot dogs and drinks at the cemetery in the morning, then in the afternoon hit the sale at RC Willey for even more.

But I have to tell you, that’s a real selling point for me when it comes to my eternal resting place. I picture my great grand nephews deciding whose grave to visit on Memorial Day: Uncle John’s or Uncle David’s? Then one of them chimes in, “Uncle John’s! They’ve got free foot longs!”

Now competition for your final resting place must be getting fierce. Several years ago on Memorial Day a local Utah cemetery also put on an antique car show. Now there’s a hook! Come see the cars your relatives were driving when they were still alive!

Communist Premiere Vladimir Lenin had the right idea. He is the gimmick at his final resting place. His dead body has been on display at Lenin Mausoleum for the last eighty years for millions of people to stroll passed and gawk at. It should be noted that many of those people mistakenly thought they were actually going to see the remains of John Lennon, so an actual total of how many people were interested in seeing Vladimir is unknown.

Now I understand the Lenin Mausoleum also offered all visitors free kielbasa and vodka, but given the financial struggles of the former Soviet Union they’ve done away with that. In order to generate enough income to keep Lenin on display, his remains have had to make a few appearances at supermarket openings, grandchildren of the revolution’s birthday parties, and most recently guest stared on an episode of CSI: Chernobyl.

The fact that millions of people have strolled by to take a look at the preserved remains of Lenin goes to show that mankind has a morbid fascination with death. So maybe we should forget graves. We could just sell our bodies to those Haunted Houses that pop up every year at Halloween. Then instead of just Memorial Day, our relatives can come and see us for the entire month of October.

For the environmentalists at Halloween, they can just have their bodies cremated and there ashes sprinkled over a corn maze as fertilizer.

Cremation is becoming more increasingly popular. You’d have to acknowledge the positive aspects of having your dead relative’s ashes right there at your house. Now instead of going to your dead relative’s grave for a picnic on Memorial Day, you can barbeque with your dead relative anytime in the comfort of your own back yard.

So as you visit a grave or two next Monday, remember that some day hopefully somebody will be visiting you. So plan ahead folks. I told my wife I want my tombstone to be designed in the shape of a barbeque. I’m also going to buy up all the plots around me and then burry a couple of those huge underground tanks they store gas in, only I’m going to fill those with beer and install above ground tap. You can rest assured my relatives won’t be just visiting me on Memorial Day. At the very least I’ll also be guaranteed Super Sunday.

Have a great memorial day weekend!