TUNE IN MONDAY MAY 8, 2006 TO SALT LAKE’S KBER 101.1 WITH MICK AND ALLEN AT 5:10 PM TO HEAR JOHN READ THIS BLOG FOR HIS COMMENTARY SEGMENT, “MOYER ON THIS…”

Several weeks ago a Brigham University Study concluded that on average, Mormons in Utah are 4.6 pounds fatter than non-Mormons… Yeah… And I need a university study to figure that out?  I went to BYU fifteen years ago and one of the oldest jokes there was did you hear about the car that swerved to miss the BYU Coed? It ran out of gas.

Now apparently it’s not just BYU coeds that are fat anymore. Take a look at the average menu at a Mormon pot luck supper. I think the reason why they call them funeral potatoes is because all that fat and cholesterol from the five pounds of melted cheese leads straight to a heart attack. It’s enough to scare Richard Simmons straight.

And let’s not overlook Sunday meetings at a Mormon Church; all that sitting around for three hours. Take a lesson from the Catholics. At least in their mass they’re getting in a solid cardio vascular workout. And if you’re an altar boy you get an additional workout just by running from the Priests.

Try moving into any neighborhood in Utah and the first thing that happens is the Mormon families show up on your door step saying “Welcome to the neighborhood! You’re one of us! Here are some fresh baked brownies, and cookies, and other treats!” Apparently their way of getting you to fit in is by getting you to be as fat as everybody else. The problem is you fit into your neighborhood, now you can’t fit into your pants.

Mormons have come a long way from the pioneers that pulled handcarts carrying their every possession two thousand miles across the country. Now that was a work out. The closest thing a Mormon gets to doing that today is pushing a shopping cart at the Super Walmart.

They say sex burns calories. And Mormons are having so many kids you’d think they’d be as skinny as an extra from the movie Schindler’s List. Of course once you’re done having children, I can imagine how difficult it would be for a married couple to find some quiet alone time with nine kids running around the house. At least if you’re a polygamist you can tag team each other. One wife baby-sits the kids while the other wife is with the husband making more kids. Polygamists are a group of people you would think would be in great shape what with between making babies, taking care of them -- and running from the cops.

I don’t know if polygamist fundamentalist are skinnier than regular Mormons. I just know the reason why they call it Polygamy Beer is because you have to drink for or five of those things before the polygamous wives start to look good.  Four quarters equals a dollar but four ugly women does not one good looking chick make.

The obesity issue among Mormons has gotten so bad, the Mormon Church, and I kid you not, has now called some of its members to be “Wellness Missionaries.” These are missionaries that teach people how to loose weight and get into shape.  I think Gold’s Gym already has people like that: they’re called personal trainers.

I mean how exciting is that missionary call?  You got friends going to the Tokyo Japan Mission, The Rio de Janeiro Brazil Mission, and you get a called to the Kentucky Fried Chicken Mission.

Now we Mormons are faithful people, give us credit for that. Last year we were challenged by our church leaders to read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year and most of us followed through. How about this year they challenge all the fat Mormons loose thirty pounds? (Sixty if you're polynesian.)

I think a weight loss challenge like that would solve the obesity issues, but it might create a few more problems.

There will be those that are struggling with it. Sneaking food they shouldn’t. I can imagine some poor Mormon wife flipping on the light in the basement to catch her husband hiding in the corner secretly scarfing down Ho Ho’s. Suddenly chocolate is the new porn.

Judgmental Mormons would no doubt be eyeballing their fellow ward members each Sunday trying to determine whether or not they are losing weight. Those chatty Kathy Relief Society sisters would be gossiping at the fact that someone saw sister so and so at the Costco and she was buying case lot of Snickerdoodles.

I would of coure use my creative resourcefullness to cash in. I plan to take some Mormons hymns and redo them 70’s disco style for work out music. The CD is called: “Sweatin’ To The Spirit.”

The menu at the Mormon Pot Luck supper would be better. Though somebody might have to explain that just because you put shredded carrots in green Jell-O salad, that doesn’t make it health food.

The one thing Mormons understand when it comes to dieting is Diet Coke. They’re usually drinking it to wash down that bacon triple cheeseburger and cheddar fries. Mormons are commanded not to drink coffee or tea. Yet many Mormons guzzle down more Diet Coke in less time it takes the BYU Cougars to fumble a ball. So coffee bad, Coke good. Sometimes I think the only difference between a Mormon and a non-Mormon is the temperature of their caffeine.

So here’s to hoping all those fat Mormons can slim down. And if they can’t, Utah has the highest rate of anti-depressant use in the country; at least we can still manage a way to feel good about ourselves.