Tomorrow is May 1^st, the day pro-immigration activists stage a national boycott with millions of Latinos demanding amnesty for illegal immigrants in this country. They say they are going to flood the streets closing down Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and other major cities.

I say great! If the streets are shut down, and people can’t drive, they won’t buy gas. Maybe we can finally get that boycott of the oil companies to actually work. People have been forwarding that email to me for the last four years to not buy gas on a certain day, but we’ve been too lazy and too selfish to actually do it. But now, thanks to the illegal immigrants, it will actually get done. See, it’s not just cooking and cleaning, even when it comes to protesting there’s somebody willing to do the job the rest of us refuse to do ourselves.

The purpose of the boycott as stated by the pro-immigration activists is that it’s a way for their voice to be heard. Personally, I feel if you really want your voice to be heard, pick some better looking spokespeople. I can’t turn on the O’Reilly Factor without seeing a pro-immigration pundit who doesn’t looks like the lead singer from Los Lobos. And that’s just the women. Now I’ve seen Telemundo. How about using some of those hot chicks from the soap operas? We could care less what they are saying, but they are hot chicks, and that goes along way when it comes to influencing the male gender; and since most politicians in this country are men - they’ll be influenced. Unless of course it’s Congressman Barney Frank from Massachusetts. Congressman Frank is openly gay. In that case he’d pay a lot more attention if your spokesperson was Ricky Martin. But then again, have you seen Barney Frank? He’d most likely be turned on if your spokesperson was Cheech Marin.

Now when it comes down to it, the Republicans say they are for immigration, provided the immigrants go through all the legal procedures to be here; which is time consuming and difficult.  Unless of course you’re an immigrant who’s rich and owns your own oil company; in that case you’ll get in faster than Jenna Bush at two for one margarita night at La Concina Nachos.

The Democrats are all for granting immediate amnesty to all illegal immigrants. Many speculate that’s their way of kissing up so they can increase their voter base. Of course it’s only a matter of time before that love affair wears thin because a liberal Democrat and the ACLU try to sue some poor immigrant on grounds of a violation of separation of church and state because the immigrant’s name – Jesus - appears on his state issued drivers license.

Then there’s the Minutemen; a group of down home, vigilante, good old boys. They set up camp for weeks at a time on the Mexican border and stare into the desert trying to spot illegal immigrants trying to cross. Apparently for these people Larry the Cable Guy isn’t entertainment enough. The entire situation has generated such notoriety it’s inspired a book from the makers of Where’s Waldo called – Where’s Julio?

Now I have no problem with granting an illegal alien amnesty to live in this country, but there should be some requirements in place. For instance, they should have to serve in the military. If you are willing to fight hard to live in this country, you should fight hard to make sure there’s a country to begin with. The plan is simple, whatever work you did as an illegal alien, you’ll do in the military. For instance if you were a housekeeper – you’ll go to Iraq. After all, that situation is such a mess it needs all the cleaning up it can get.

Secondly, if you can’t speak English, fine. But the government gets to pass a special income tax on all non-English speaking immigrants to pay for the technology to invent that universal translator from Star Trek. Unless of course you are a non-English speaking immigrant who is a geeky Star Trek fan so obsessed with the show you learned how to speak Klingon; if that’s the case, we’ll pair you up with a geeky Star Trek fan from the U.S. who can also speak Klingon and you can get by that way.

Finally, if you are an immigrant who works in a restaurant that serves ethnic food, you can only work in a restaurant that serves ethnic food from your home country. To me there’s just something wrong with being at the Chinese Buffet and having my Mongolian Barbeque prepared by a guy wearing that hair net and a plaid shirt buttoned up only at the collar. I want sweet and sour, not sweet and salsa.

Now until we get the amnesty thing straightened out, we still have to deal the flood of illegal immigrants coming across the border. So how do we stop it? Is it a fence across the border? Is it putting the military on the border?

I say it’s putting eighty year old Walmart Workers on the border. You know these people. They're the old folks working at Walmart guarding the door and checking receipts on the way out. These are the people that can rifle through my twenty-seven bags of groceries and find a pair of toe nail clippers that were over looked in getting paid for. They don’t mess around. They stand closer watch over that exit than Hulk Hogan over his daughter’s virginity.

The old people will get the job done. So I say do it. Unless of course we can figure out a way to turn old people into an alternative form of energy to power our automobiles. In that case, I say screw immigration, let’s all have cheap gas.

But if you are going someplace on May 1st and can’t get there because the streets are jammed with protestors, the solution is simple. Yell out the word INS. These people will fun faster than Speedy Gonzales on a double espresso.